Master Bed

5 Reasons Why Not Having Sex with Your Partner Every Night is Perfectly OK

I’m late to the party on this one, but by now I’m sure most of you have seen an article going around Facebook lately called 5 Reasons You Should Have Sex With Your Husband Every Night. I really didn’t think anyone needed a whole piece written to justify sex with a spouse, but apparently there’s a significant lack of subject matter on this topic. I caved after seeing how many of my friends shared it and ignored my previously sound judgment of assuming this was another ridiculous attempt to woo people into reading some tripe about being the perfect wife.

It’s a well written post, though not earth shattering (like any of mine are?) and it’s an interesting perspective on how as women we do tend to lose sight of our femininity after marriage, especially after having children. Unfortunately, there are a number of things that disturb me about this post, including the complete lack of acknowledgement regarding the reasons you may not be able to or want to have sex with your spouse Every. Single. Night. and why any and/or all of those are PERFECTLY OK.

So in response, I offer you 5 Reasons Why Not Having Sex with Your Partner Every Night is Perfectly OK.

  1. I am a woman and it is my right to not want to have sex with my husband if I don’t feel like it, regardless of whether I look like Swamp Thing or Maxim’s sexiest woman alive. My body belongs to me. I choose to share it when and how I want to. In fact, if I were a man, it would still be my right to not have sex if I didn’t want to. My husband assures me this is rare, but I know for a fact, we’ve both had nights where a good cuddle was as good if not better than doing the nasty. I do not need sex to feel like a woman. There are so many other things in my day that make me feel that way. I gave birth. Last time I checked that was pretty damn womanly. Feeling feminine? Well that’s a whole different post, but if I’m supposed to feel like TSwift eyeing a potential ex-boyfriend every day, then I’ve been lacking my whole life. No one defines me or how I feel, but me.
  2. If I want my husband to act like a man, I let him be himself, because I’m pretty sure he’s a man and always has been. If he needs sex every night to feel like a man, I’m betting there’s something else we need to be talking about or he needs professional help to address whatever inadequacy issues are tied to that need. Maybe other women and men do not treat their partners with such respect and trust, so this is a thing for them, but how is me making dinner making him feel like a man? I’ve got to tell you, I make dinner at least half of the week and it doesn’t seem to make him feel any more manly than on the nights he makes dinner. Nor does it make me feel any more womanly when he makes dinner. I appreciate Hubs for working long hours every time he writes the mortgage check, just like he appreciates me for paying for the food at the market every week. It’s a partnership. We don’t have to keep track of who’s more thankful. Do we say it all the time? No, but we know it and we show it every day in all sorts of ways that have nothing to do with sex.
  3. Sex is not the only way to find each other and/or remember why you chose this person to spend the rest of your days with. Intimacy is far more important in a relationship than sex and does not equal sex. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, hell even smiling at the one you love should be enough to make you slow down and see who you are to each other. My husband can take one look at me sometimes and I feel more naked than if I were standing in front of him in our bedroom completely undressed. That man has a way of making me blush that no one else has. That, my friends, is a stronger connection than sex can ever give on its own. Finding someone who can make you laugh, feel safe and respected is a hell of a lot harder than finding someone you want to bump uglies with every night.
  4. Sex absolutely relieves stress. So does yoga, rock climbing and reading. I don’t get to do any of those every night either. And what do I do if my husband is the source of my stress? Answer: we talk it out (also relieves stress) and he and I decide if it gets to go anywhere beyond that. See #1. By the way, setting the bar at sex every night is pretty high, too. That’s an awful lot of pressure to put not only on me as a woman, but on my partner as well. What if they don’t want to? Did I fail, because I couldn’t convince my partner to want me that night, too? You want to know what your prescription for 365-sex does to my stress level? Straight up. Now what the hell do I do?
  5. Why are we so quick to refuse good things in life? Oh, honey, let me clue you in on another side of life. Sometimes that slog you refer to isn’t a choice. If you took a moment to look past the surface expression of the “are you crazy face” and ponder for a moment why someone might react that way, I bet you’ll find folks who don’t fit your preconceived notion at all. Some people physically can’t have sex every night. Clearly you’ve got a never ending well of inspiration that keeps you in the mood, even on command. More power to you, girl. I do not. Even in my mid-twenties, I needed a night off every now and then. To be less than completely frank, sometimes after a more enthusiastic evening of stress relief, there’s not enough ibuprofen, KY or imagination to get you past the exhaustion or soreness from the previous round to even think of another round. (Unless that’s your thing and then more power to you.)

You know what else, some people, like me, ended up winning the medical lottery and have conditions that actually make us so tired even the thought of sex makes us cry. There are days some of my friends can’t get out of bed, let alone want to romp around in it. I already feel like half a person most days. On some of those nights, even if I do want to have romance novel worthy smutty sex with the love of my life, I physically cannot muster the strength to even initiate it and insinuating that I might be refusing myself some good things life has to offer is one hell of a single finger salute. Any time with my husband is a good time, unless we’re cleaning the cat box. I don’t really need to be there for that.

I am really upset at the thought of my daughter ever reading that post and imposing that sort of pressure on herself or her future partner. Even if she’s 100% healthy and emotionally stable, I wouldn’t ask this of her. Her body is not the only way of expressing her femininity or her self-worth. To place this kind of thinking in her mind is ridiculous and irresponsible. I can only imagine how many young girls will read it and file it away for their future married life, using it as an unreasonable measurement with which to gauge success.

Before I launch full throttle into a rant about how this edict also supports the impression that the amount of sex one is having and with whom is everyone’s damn business, (it most certainly IS NOT), I’ll just leave it at this.

Do I deserve to have sex? Absolutely.

Do I deserve to say “not tonight, honey?” Absolutely.

Do I deserve to have someone make me feel like less of a woman for not wanting to have sex every night? HELL NO.

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