I have clearly been holding quite a lot in for quite a long time. I realized this when I caught myself bawling uncontrollably while listening to “Let It Go” from a little movie called “Frozen.”
What the hell is wrong with me?!?
Well, quite a bit apparently. I have always loved a good grudge and I am more than just a little abrasive when people want to get all up in my business. I am all for listening to their problems and happy to be a shoulder for anyone. I just have no idea how to allow myself that same release.
I saw “Frozen” shortly after it came out, thought it was cute, then didn’t think much more of it. I don’t think there’s a soul on earth who hasn’t heard “Let It Go,” but if you managed to escape this juggernaut and want to proudly claim the title of “Least Frozen,” more power to you. DON’T WATCH THIS.
Fast forward a year later and we’re taking Miss O to see Disney’s Frozen on Ice. Hubs and I were discussing how so many people are so in love with this movie and analyzing why we felt this one in particular was so popular, etc. We tossed around a few softball ideas about people relating to the characters and so on, but couldn’t really nail down why it seems to affect so many people.
Then we watched the show. And I got it. I really got it. The magnitude of the metaphors smacked me in the face. I have never been so moved by come-to-life-cartoons on ice skates. I don’t know why I missed it, but that is one powerful story. Maybe it’s stress or how completely mentally and physically exhausted I’ve been the last three years, but that show wrecked me.
Part of it was seeing how enamored Miss O was by the whole thing. Her reaction to the pre-show alone was worth it. She saw Snow White and Cinderella and she was completely sold. She’ll never be the same. Neither will I. I now get why my mom cried at everything. I was seriously just so happy she was so happy. I had a very happy childhood, but I can’t recall the sheer joy of watching someone else be so completely in love with something before.
The other part of it was the slow realization that I too have been holding in so much that lately seems to be creeping out in short bursts, begging me to pay them attention. I’ve been holding on to so many things, terrified that people would find out, judge me, shun me or just be kinda crappy in general.
The hilarious part of that is that most of what I fear isn’t a secret. There’s no scandalous something that hasn’t already been disclosed to the people close to me. What I fear most is the process of dealing with all of it. Like Elsa, I’ve been so busy being pulled-together, strong, normal, in control, whatever that I haven’t let myself fully deal with any of it. The list isn’t terribly impressive, but there are some things I absolutely need to let go of if I’m going to move forward and really show my daughter all the joy she deserves.
At this point, most people would start scheduling a million hours with their therapist. That doesn’t work so well for me. Due to less than stellar experiences, therapy is on the aforementioned list so I’m not exactly foaming at the mouth to dive back in. I have a great relationship with Hubs and my family, but some things just aren’t great to share with those who may be affected by them or the process of discussing them.
So what’s a bursting-at-the-seams-ready-to-let-it-go-girl to do?!
Blog about them!
Yep. From time to time, there will be less than epic outpourings of all the things I can’t keep inside anymore. We may get a little daytime TV over it all, too.