Comfort in Chaos

I think I am only comfortable in chaos. A colleague of mine recently told me she was impressed with my decision to go to grad school on top of working full time and having a family. She said she didn’t know how I was getting it all done. I laughed and said “I don’t either!” The truth is, I really don’t know how I’m going to do this. I have no idea what the heck I was thinking, but I’m here now and the only choice is to keep moving forward.

It’s the same feeling that propelled me through any meeting or conference I worked on. It’s a feeling not of desperation or drive, but one of “it must be done, therefore we do it.” I’m not going to lie people, I am running on all cylinders and burning my candle at both ends. I am TIRED. I also feel good, inspired, motivated and whole. I feel like I have the missing piece that will bring all of the other things together.

This week I had one class at one school and another at my new school. It was better than I thought it would be in terms of how functional I am today, but I am very glad I’m not taking two graduate level courses right now. I was lucky to get all of my reading done and prepare myself for class discussion. If had an equal amount of work in both classes, I don’t think I’d make it and I refuse to go to class unprepared. It was a lot to manage considering I read during my lunch break at work, took some time before my first class to do class discussion preparation for the next class and spent some time after work posting on our class discussion board. I still have a first week assignment that’s due on Sunday, so I’m not even finished with the first part and I’m already starting on the assignments for week 2!

I should feel like collapsing under the weight of it all, sobbing in my hands in a tiny ball at the bottom of the heap. Don’t get me wrong, I want to. I want to stomp my foot, shout “This is too much!” or “I can’t do this!” I really do. Hubs can assure you that I do. I have those moments just like everyone, but I’ve waited so long for this and I am not stopping. I already bought a T-shirt and I’m about to slap a sticker on my car, so I can’t stop now. Everyone at work knows, my family knows and Miss O told me “good job, Mommy.” Seriously, how can I say anything other than “Don’t stop me now!”

Work/life balance has nothing on work/life/grad school balance but I will find a way. I am grateful for the support everyone has shown me and the interest they all have. People genuinely want to know what I’m learning and I feel like I can contribute in so many new ways. Maybe this blog will even get better. Let’s not get too excited about that one just yet, though.

It’s amazing what we can accomplish when we are pushed to our limits and apparently I love to be at my limit most of the time. I also adore my PJs-on-TV-binging-with-cold-packed-port-wine-cheddar-cheese-and-crackers days, too. I won’t have many of those in the next two years, but once I get my degree, you best believe my queue will be full and so will my tub o’ cheese.

port wine

You know you want some.

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